I've got a problem. A big problem. A colossal friggin' chip is precariously teeter-tottering on my proverbial shoulder blade.
HONESTLY, who do these people think they are? You all bloody well know who I'm talking about; those foul, despicable mongrels who say things like, "My goodness, I've been a Scouser my entire life, but, GOLLY, if that John Terry isn't a classy fellow" or "I swear, I've always like 'Dinho, so looks like I'm a Milan man now." You've no business buying a ticket to anything, you hack. Leave the seats for the fans. I'm not sticking with the ticking timebomb of anguish and disappointment I call Liverpool Football Club so that you can flit from team to team just to keep a winning record.
I've had it with these "fans" who have more than one team in any sport. What is this, sports bigamy? Maybe if you're Joseph Smith, but, for everyone else, LISTEN UP because these are THE RULES:
1. If you live in/are from a city or state that has had a team since you were young (we'll put the cut-off at age 13; after you have become a man, all bets are off), you have to support that team.
-Exception: If your city/state didn't get a team until later, and you already had a team, this is totally acceptable. No one is going to get mad if you're from Oklahoma City and you're a Mavericks fan.
-Also, if you're from a geographic area that has very few sports team (i.e., North/South
Dakota), get out a map, you get the closest team in each sport. So you're from Omaha;
sorry, but you get the Royals. Take up piano if sports are too tough.
2. Once you pick a team, you're stuck with them for life. I'm sorry if Martha Stewart makes more baskets than the Knicks, they're your team, get a friggin' helmet. A few exceptions:
-One of your immediate family members begins playing for another team (Note: If this team plays your original team or their outcomes directly affects your original team, it is strictly out of bounds to root for your relative's team.)
-If your team moves to a different city; in the event of this happening, you either a)move away from that sport entirely or b)find a legitimate reason to support a new team (and none of this "I like their jerseys" crap)
3. Following a college star from college to pro is only a reason to support his team if you have no home state/city team. If he is traded or changes teams for any reason, you stick to him. The fact that Tim Couch is no longer playing for the Browns but used to is not a reason to support them.
-NOTE: This has to be a ONCE IN A LIFETIME athlete. I.E., You cannot support the Magic because you're a Duke fan and JJ plays for them now. If you tried this, no one respects you (Get over JJ, he's gone, get a tissue, and promptly kill yourself).
-This rule also applies to (real) football. Let's say you're a Leverkusen fan; just because Ballack came up through your academy does NOT mean you get to be a Chelsea fan. I sincerely hope no one did this; if you did, consider yourself the indisputed worst person in the world. And I certainly shouldn't have to say anything about Bayern München. By all means, have a soft spot in your heart for the player; wish him success, please, do. But, if you ever buy a club scarf, you've officially sold your soul for USD $19.95.
4. If you're from a city with more than one team in a sport (Mets/Yankees, Dodgers/Angels, United/City, etc), you get ONE. Repeat: ONE. If you're a Lakers' fan, and the Clippers win the NBA Finals, I expect severe disappointment, possibly even thoughts of suicide and/or self-mutilation. These are the rules, if you're not prepared to participate, DON'T FOLLOW SPORTS. This is rivalry, folks.
5. If you're a soccer fan, YOU GET ONE TEAM! No matter what country, no matter what level of play, you get ONE. Champions' League is there for a reason, as are the comparable tournaments for the other continents. And relegation is ABSOLUTELY NOT a reason to turn off from the game unless, of course, you never return to it.
6. If you like the Red Sox and are from south of Connecticut, rethink your loyalty. And life in general. You man-bitch.
7. You cannot support a team, halt your allegiance during a slump, and then resume your support. You '98 Falcons "fans" who are waiting in the wings, find something else to do with your time, and certainly steer clear of the Dome. Your privilege of leaving the house is at risk.
8. Picking up a team from a close friend or through familial ties IS legitimate, but it must have been done early on in your development (prior to age 13). Furthermore, the ties of the people you've gotten yours from must adhere to all other rules.
9. If you move to a country with a sport that is not mainstream or even played in your previous one and you choose to begin following it, you can either a) remain neutral, b) pick up the local or closest team geographically to where you live, or c) begin supporting the team of those you live with given you live with people who have been there longer than you (i.e., native) and their ties are legitimate according to the aforementioned rules.
-NOTE: If you leave this country, you must continue your support to the point of feasibility. Beware, foreign exchange students!
That's the rant. Until next time, walk softly, ye who would follow sport. Coram non judice, until it will have been entirely too late, for titles and glory are only the nectar of those with souls intact.
To getting angry, JW dunzo.
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